The Free Ratio
This is a collectively written sci-fi book in the works. Chapter 1 The year is 4707 (?) and R.A.T.I.O. (Rational Alliance Towards Interstellar Organization) or simply the "Freeratio" led by Captain Mindsword, is a spaceship filled with scholars and scientists in orbit between mars and earth. Warrent Officer Bullmoose Two enters the bridge and walks up to Captain Mindsword with his most masculine swagger. I say, "Captain, we are out of Klondike bars. What do we do?" Captain Mindsword considers for a moment and then says, "Quickly, fire the phasors before..." then the Klingon Warbird fires and because somebody forgot to raise shields the USS RATIO is destroyed. Fortunately, Engineer Tom Sawyer was realigning the warp core field while this was going on and accidentally created a hole in the space/time continuum, which moved the ship behind the Klingons moments before they were destroyed so Captain Mindsword could shoot them in the back. Engineer Sawyer then pretended that he'd done that on purpose and was promoted to Chief Engineer as a reward. Unfortunately, the rip in space/time continued to grow at an alarming pace. Without triadmithralium extract this hole in space time would continue to grow until it consumed the whole universe. Realizing that triadmithralium had been wiped out from the universe many centuries ago, Captain Mindsword knew what he had to do. Taking the ship straight into the rip, he and the crew of the USS RATIO began their epic quest to find the triadmithralium and save the universe from nearly not quite certain destruction... Then they got the triadmithralium, fixed the rip and saved the universe. While the universe was saved, the triadmithralium made all the crew members high. Captain Mindsword went into a psychadelic world filled with green alien vixens. However, one side effect of time travel is erectile disfunction. So rallying his high as balls crew, the USS RATIO went out on an epic journey to find the last bottle of Viagra so that Captain Mindsword could get it on with his green alien ladies. Of course since the crew was high they drove the ship right into the nearest sun. "Neither this plot nor its characters are rational!" Captain Mindsword lamented metafictionally before he and his ship exploded in the sun. Fortunately, Chief Engineer Tom Sawyer was realigning the warp core field while this was going on and accidentally created a hole in the space/time continuum, which moved the ship to the other side of the sun and everyone was fine. Of course this still led to the problem of said hole potentially riping apart space and time. However, given how high the crew was they failed to care and carried on the search for Viagra pills. Captain Mindsword however, after giving Tow his third medal, realized the search was futile and that the pills had propably been lost in the space-time rip, and ran into the lab in a semi-delirious state. "I need to make a new formula! Where are the coffee bags!?" he howled out drewling and confused, and accidentally touched the navigation system and set course for Earth. Meanwhile, sub-engineer third grade Bippy, fed up with chief engineer Sawyer's anal compulsive fixation with having him continually tweak the alignment of the self-aligning warp core, tosses the ships only warp core alignment solismonizer into the trash disposal chute and flushes it into space with the other garbage. Energized by his rebellion, he rushes off in search for that green alien vixen. Characters & Plotfeatures Captain Mindsword - Spiritual teacher, admiral captain and insane cheif scientist specializing in biotechnology and electronic weapons. Tom Sawyer, Chief Engineer Bullmoose Two, Warrant Officer Sub-Engineer Third Grade Bippy Comments weee!